The World According To Catnip

The World According To Catnip
Catnip has a lot of opinions and she doesn't mind sharing them with the world at large. These are subjective observations on her part, but she believes every word of it and you should too.If someone gives you fruitcake for Christmas, it means they hate you. In fact, they hate you so much that they hope you choke on the dried fruit embedded in the even drier cake. There is a brand that costs 35 bucks that ain't bad, but they'd never buy one of those for you because they hate you. The skidmarks or skiddoo in your man's drawers actually means something. As you glare at them in total disgust, you must analyze them like a Rorschach test and see what they reveal. Please be advised that you might not like the secrets you uncover. They are better when viewed from a distance. Do not view them up close and personal unless you are wearing a surgical mask and latex gloves. All long-haired cats secretly hate their hair and long to have buzz cuts. After shearing, they have easy access to all their body parts and can lick things they haven't seen in years.If someone gives you diet products or diet books for your birthday or Christmas, they aren't your friend. In fact, you should regift them with said objects of torture thereby implying that you, their former friend, think they are a total fat ass. If your very conservative, anal spouse mentions that someone is a dork, it means that person is an uber dork, the king of all dorks, a dork for all eternity, a dork to tenth power, and most likely they sleep in feetie pajamas. Red flannel fuzzy ones.The rural myth regarding egg sucking dogs is true. Catnip knows this because she raises ducks and geese who lay a lot of eggs. Her two big dawgs go on Easter egg hunts every morning and then bring the eggs one by one back onto the one grassy area by the porch. Before the day is over, the eggs are broken into and the contents are sucked out leaving nothing behind.Catnip knows a person who claims to be a world-renowned psychic astrologer simply because she took a trip to Africa one time and read a couple of charts while she was there on vacation. She backs up this claim by displaying a picture of her dressed in native garb standing next to a giraffe. Catnip had a friend whose husband wears women's underwear. Now, when she sees this man, she secretly wonders if he wears granny panties, french cut panties, crotchless panties, cotton or nylon panties, milf and does he use a pantie liner? You know, to take care of those skidmarks he'll be leaving. Go back to Catnip's second entry for comprehensive explanation. Copyright© 2004. Minnow Paws by Catnip Clemens. All rights reserved. Disclaimer: Catnip Clemens lives to have fun at the expense of others and her family has requested that she inform the public that her views are not necessarily their views. Consider it done. Rest easy, loved ones, as Catnip reveals all of your secrets to the world.

Charlie Cartman

Charlie Cartman
MY SON AND I share an affection for the round-headed little boy, Eric Cartman, on South Park so much so that I now have a new Cartman charm. I think Cartman is the amped up version of Charlie Brown of Peanuts fame. They both have round heads and do dumb things although I think Cartman is more savvy and edgy and would take pleasure in tormenting Charlie Brown. I had a hairstylist who went to great lengths describing why my facial geometry called for a certain type of haircut. She lifted her right hand in the air and drew a perfectly round circle and then said: "You see, Catnip, you have a round face and so we need to do this, blah, blah, blah milf." After that diss, I switched to a gay brother and you what? He never draws air pictures or any of that. He talks about his life, cuts my hair, and is a genius at making my round head look muy bueno. I say that all the Charlie Brown Cartmans of the world need to unite and give all the other non-round heads the finger. Maybe, we should also draw an air picture to go with it.